“Hello?”
“Hey, dude. You gotta come over.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Later though. After my parents are asleep.”
“Uh. Sure. Okay. I’ll ask my mom.”
“Yeah. Tell her I need help on my math. And then you can just spend the night.”
“Yeah. I’ll tell her you can’t figure out your long division.”
“Perfect. You can come by earlier if you want. My dad is making spaghetti.”
What was going on here? Drugs? Were the boys doing drugs? Worse? Like gang stuff? Could it be that those boys were going to stay up late and do hood-rat things? Or maybe even worse. Maybe it was 90’s Travolta-style Satanic devotion. Maybe it was all three. Nah. We were eight at this time. And caucasian. In an enclave of safe, middle-class voting families. The drugs and the gangs came later. Satan is always there – Daniel Johnston knows what I’m talkin’ ’bout – but he’s never been a preoccupation of mine.
Okay. Fine. I guess it was Satan. Or one of his minions. And they had possessed some toys. And we were going to bear witness. My friend and neighbor, Patrick Chaney, had spotted some text in a TV Guide that read something to the effect of, “Two criminals, a pregnant police woman, and a handful of others are locked inside a warehouse with possessed toys who hope to resurrect a demon.” At eleven thirty, we were going to have sodas and popcorn, and would see what this was all about.
There was really no reason to have a cover story. I guess it was just more fun that way.
So, I tossed my toothbrush and math book into my pillowcase, slung the bundle over my shoulder, and skated towards destiny. I had a spaghetti dinner, complete with salad and garlic bread. Then we went to Patrick’s room to divide at length. Really, we played Mortal Kombat, and Turtles in Time. Everyone in the house went to sleep. We went to the den. I snuck off and chugged a glass of Patrick’s father’s coveted black tea (that last part doesn’t sound like a big deal, but if you had ever been young at the Chaney residence, you know drinking Jim’s tea was a caper worthy of Indiana Jones). Then we flipped to channel 57 just in time to catch Full Moon Entertainment’s 1992 classic Demonic Toys.
In hindsight, this film is a perfect candidate for a “How Did This Get Made” episode, but at the time this was the coolest movie we had ever seen. Patrick had the foresight to tape it. And this VHS sat among Cronenberg’s The Fly, a couple of the Friday the 13th’s, Tremors, and a handful other monster films that we had recorded. These tapes had generic decoy names like “Cartoons” and “Skate Competition” scrawled across their adhesive tags. God almighty, did we watch these to death.
I still have a soft spot for those Demonic Toys. I can’t stand by the writing of the film anymore, but the toys themselves are priceless: Baby Oopsie Daisy, Jack Attack, Grizzley Teddy, even that stupid robot Mr. Static who does near to nothing and has no personality whatsoever. The Demonic Toys, Brundlefly, Savini’s Jasons, Predator, the Graboids, the little dudes from Puppet Master, these are all revered icons of great monster filmmaking. I recall being terrified by the eponymous demon in Pumpkinhead – a creature who, like most, out-shined his vehicle. I recall being fascinated by the creature designs by Chris Walas, Inc. for Cronenberg’s The Naked Lunch (though I saw this film much later). But the patron saint of great monster effects remains with the grotesque, shape-shifty incarnations of Carpenter’s The Thing.
For those of you who haven’t seen The Thing – stop what you’re doing and watch it right now – know that it is a remake of a Howard Hawk’s film from 1951 (itself adapted from a novella by John W. Campbell). The story centers around a research team in Alaska being terrorized by a creature they unleash from a block of ice. The creature can assume the shape of anything it comes into contact with. Carpenter’s update is basically a chance for Rob Bottin to go insane with creature effects. As the creature can shape shift, we are treated to a Doberman-Tentacle-Monster, a chest with teeth, a thing with melty faces, a head that sprouts spider-like legs, etc. Every time the creature is on screen is a hallowed moment.
Patrick and I watched this movie a hundred times if we watched it once. It’s a sacred film to me. So, when they announced a prequel to be released in 2011, I politely turned my head and spat. I had no interest. I was certain that the remake would be full of sterile, CGI effects, which is blasphemy. Almost always. For those of you who saw Fury Road this summer, you saw how effects can elevate a film. Unfortunately, most often we get a face-hugger jumping into the air and getting its own bullet-time, 360 solo (damn you AVP).
I did break down and see The Thing prequel. Admittedly, just because I have a thing for Mary Elizabeth Winstead. It was a mediocre script, no doubt, but what sent me out of the theatre in a huff were the sterile, CGI creature effects. I had fucking called it and I was too upset to even gloat about that.
Here’s the thing: going into this film, you already know what to expect. There are going to by face-shifting moments, some cool tentacle-bursting sequences, maybe a weird creature that is an amalgamation of a few different species, and a reveal of what the creature looks like in its true form. All the ground work has been established in the 1982 film, so you’re really only seeing this movie to see how technological improvements have lent themselves to updating this creature. And the answer coming from the screen was, they’ve gotten worse. I’m going to see a creature film to be wowed by the creature. I want to jump and then laugh and then think, “Jesus. How did they do that?” It’s the same for fight choreography, or murders in gore films, or stunts in action films. If I don’t have a moment, even the briefest flicker, where I think maybe someone died, if I immediately know that nothing happened, that a talented dude sat in front of a couple of monitors and sent his workflow to another dude who took that file and fiddled with it while sitting in front of some monitors before sending it off to a finishing dude who then had a problem with something and flagged it for the post-production FX supervisor who called a meeting between creatives…then I may as well watch a cartoon. Do that shit in camera. Whenever possible. Or don’t ask for my dollars.
What’re some recent exceptions…? The Host. That was a delightful monster. The monsters in Monsters were handled with restraint. Godzilla worked for me – mostly because they kept cutting away from him and it was really just a film involving set pieces where Aaron Johnson tries to be a hero and kinda mucks it up, yet it all works out. However, I’m mostly going to be dazzled by some crazy practicals. It feels comfortable to me. It’s like chicken soup for some demented, gore-hound soul. That’s why Harryhousen. That’s why we’re doing Clay-mation in JanJag.
On JanJag. Things are looking up! We are at seventeen percent of our ask. We are excited to partner with Bay Area and LA County No Kill shelters to offer a new perk. As always, it would be great if you would visit our campaign page and share the link igg.me/at/janjagfilm via social media outlet of your preference.
Note: I have found out since beginning this post, that The Thing prequel really did try to do a good deal of the effects practically. Evidently, Amalgamated Dynamics, Inc. designed some glorious effects, the creative team completed the film with these effects, and then the studio demanded that the movie been redone with CGI replacing these effects. I don’t… I… I just can’t even… There is a petition floating around to release the work print of the film with the original effects in it. You can get a glimpse of ADI’s practical effects here. I encourage everyone to sign this petition. Let’s support some practicality.
sterlingworth 